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EXT. NYC Street - Day
Helen Moss making a phone call from an open booth.
HELEN
Hi, uh, B-24, Messages? Oh, really? Audition for what? Did he say? Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
She looks into her purse and takes out small notebook.
HELEN
Let me get a pencil. Okay.
INT. Ted's Theater - Day
A young actress is auditioning, reading from a script. Larry and Carol are there, with Ted and Marcia Fox and Sy and Marilyn.
TED
(to the actress)
Good, that's great. Thank you, Suzanne. Thank you.
MARCIA
We'll let you know. That's Suzanne Raphael, right?
Larry Lipton brings in the next actress.
LARRY
This is Helen Moss.
Everyone says Hi; the mood is low-key, concentrated. Ted asks Helen if she has had a chance to look over the script.
HELEN
Yes, yes. Uh, I have, but, um, I have just a few questions.
TED
Sure, yeah.
HELEN
Is she divorced, in this?
TED
Uh, yes. Yes.
HELEN
Uh, recently?
TED
Yes. Yeah. But she's, uh, very, highly emotional.
HELEN
Yeah.
TED
You know really... uh, lot of... Lot of feeling. Very strong.
HELEN
Okay. Should I just begin?
TED
Yeah, just... Whenever, you know, whenever you feel it. Whenever you feel into it.
Helen takes a couple of breaths, dials a phone that's next to her on the stage, and speaks into it.
HELEN
Hello, Joe? I-I was just... I...
TED
Uh, let me stop you right there.
Helen stops reading, and looks at Ted.
TED
I'm sorry, I... uh, if you'll be... if you'll start out more frightened -- then that'll take you where you're gonna go.
HELEN
Right, right.
She breathes deeply and concentrates, before starting again.
HELEN
Hello, Joe? I can't talk much, now, and if I sound strange, don't get alarmed.
_________________________
{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
-30-
LARRY
Oh, yes. Max Schindler's book. That's right, the phone call.
CAROL
(voice over)
I don't remember that book.
LARRY
This is perfect.
CAROL
You never mentioned that book to me.
LARRY
No, no. Because you don't like light reading, so I never...
CAROL
Since when did I not like light reading, Larry?
TED
I don't know... I don't know this book. What is this book?
LARRY
This book. That's fantastic! It would be so perfect because sh- she's a, she's a- an, actress, or would-be actress, anyhow, and you're - you're...
Jeez, we could use his theater. He's a playwright. This is so perfect. Your theater is empty all the time, anyhow.
CAROL
Oh, God.
TED
Oh, yeah, thank you. That's great. What-What are we talking about here? What-What do you mean? What - what is this?
LARRY
Listen to this. What you do is, we get her in for a fake audition, and you write some lines that -- don't mean anything.
TED
Yeah.
LARRY
And she does them, and she doesn't know what she's doing and we tape-record it.
CAROL
Uh...
LARRY
Listen to this.
CAROL
I'm listening.
LARRY
And we edit it up. We edit the tape recording up, and we make one end of a phone call -- and we play it into the phone to Mr. House.
TED
This is in the book?
LARRY
This is perfect, listen...
CAROL
Oh, come on. No, that could never, ever work, in a million years. You don't know what he's going to say. What's he gonna say?
MARCIA
In the book, they use several tape recorders.
CAROL
In the book?
MARCIA
We coordinate it.
LARRY
It's coordinated.
CAROL
In the book. You mean, you're basing your plan on some dumb paperback?
LARRY
This is great. This is great.
CAROL
I see-- No, really.
LARRY
I like... No, it's great.
CAROL
Oh.
MARCIA
He's gotten away with murder. Our only chance is to nab him as he tries to kill again, to cover his tracks.
MEDIUM SHOT on two waiters, standing on either side of a counter, listening to the conversation, and staring.
LARRY
It's great. What happens is, it provokes him to kill again. They catch him the second time.
MARCIA
Exactly. He's gotten away with the first murder.
LARRY
You know what I'm thinking, though?
MARCIA
What?
LARRY
Actually, in the book what happens is, now that I think of it, he-- he kills the... the two people that are working the scheme on him.
TED
Yeah, that's all right.
CAROL
But --
TED
But you're not worried about that.
LARRY
Um, well, I don't know.
MARCIA
It's perfect.
LARRY
Either that, or I've -- I'm just...
TED
No, we can handle him. We can handle him. Listen, this is incredible. This is an incredible idea.
MARCIA
It's perfect. It's perfect. He knows you're onto him. You shake him down.
CAROL
No, no.
MARCIA
He comes after you, we nab him.
TED
That's great. It's great. You're wonderful. I just -- I'm amazed.
MARCIA
Yeah.
CAROL
I... I just...
MARCIA
It's either that, or he walks.
CAROL
Yeah. Yeah, wait. I... So, what you're saying is...
TED
This is great.
CAROL
Wait, no, okay... What you're saying -- Oh boy. You're saying, you want to provoke Mr. House into trying to murder Larry and me.
MARCIA
Yeah. It's perfect. You're not scared, are you?
LARRY
No, no, no, no, no, I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm just turning it over in my mind. I just want to check with my clergyman before we commit.
________________________
Manhattan Murder Mystery.
1993.
Directed by Woody Allen.
Produced by Robert Greenhut.
Written by Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman.
Starring
Alan Alda
Woody Allen
Anjelica Huston
Diane Keaton.
1993.
----------------------------------
-30-
{Manhattan Murder Mystery - Woody Allen}
MARCIA
Yeah, it's possible. He saw you there, he knows you're onto him. After he ran away, why couldn't you have retrieved the body?
LARRY
You're kidding. I... We couldn't have gotten her out of that. We... I would have wound up with a few toes and a shoulder, maybe, at most.
MARCIA
Well, that's... Okay, okay, you have the body. What does he know? He was probably too scared to be very lucid. He's an amateur.
He dumped the body and ran off, and then somehow -- who knows the details, you two dug her out. Now, you can send him to the chair.
CAROL
Okay, okay, just...
TED
I like this woman, she's lurid.
CAROL
Let me tell you why he's not going to believe us, okay?
LARRY
Yeah, first of all, because I can't, I can't bluff or lie without giggling, so- so...
CAROL
Yeah. No, because if we really had the body, why tell him? Why not go straight to the police?
MARCIA
If you tell the cops, you can't shake him down.
MEDIUM SHOT on another table in the restaurant. Two middle-aged men seated there, listening very eagerly, with startled expressions.
TED
Oh, she's wicked. Oh, I- look -- look how, look how this works out. You go to the law, what do you gain? But -- I mean, so-so maybe they, you know, they put him in jail. What have you got? You haven't got anything.
LARRY
(voice over)
Right.
TED
But if he wants the evidence, and he's got to pay for it, now... Okay, now he's nervous, right?
CAROL
Yeah, you know, wait. There's just so many fallacies in this, I can't even count them.
TED
What? Name one.
CAROL
Name one? Okay, the guy looks us straight in the eyes and says, "What body? What the hell are you talking about? Prove it."
MARCIA
Well, that's when we keep bluffing.
TED
What? How? What do we do?
MARCIA
We produce the body.
LARRY
Yeah, but where are you gonna get it, Madame Tussaud's?
MARCIA
Yeah -- say- say we found someone to corroborate this story.
CAROL
Oh, really. J-Just...
MARCIA
Someone he trusted.
CAROL
Like who?
MARCIA
Like his lover. Say she called and said, "Paul, I've just seen Lillian's body. They want a hundred thousand dollars for it."
TED
Why-why would she do that?
MARCIA
Remember that book you recommended to me? "Murder in Manhattan"?
LARRY
Oh, yes. Max Schindler's book. That's right, the phone call.
______________________________
-30-
TED
Oh, my... Oh, where did you find this woman? She's a genius.
LARRY
She's brilliant. She's brilliant. But the guy... He knows that we know, so if he knows we're onto him...
MARCIA
Well, he doesn't care. Why should he? Everything's been neatly disposed of. He's home free. Only he, and maybe his mistress, know the truth.
CAROL
Well, just--
LARRY
She's right, there's no body.
CAROL
Hold on, hold on, for a second. We don't know this is all true. This is just a theory.
LARRY
Yeah, but it's a great theory. Have you been paying attention? This is a great theory.
TED
Oh, yeah. It sounds good, it holds water. Everything fits together in this.
CAROL
I am paying attention.
LARRY
I think it's great.
MARCIA
When I come back from the ladies room, I'll tell you how to trap him.
She stands up and walks away. Larry and Ted stand up, too. They wait for her to be gone before they sit down.
LARRY
Oh, excuse me.
TED
Where- Where did you find her? She's-She's-She's really something.
LARRY
Her mind, it just goes.
TED
Yeah, she's got one idea after another. It's like one thing leads to another.
LARRY
Fantastic.
CAROL
I'm surprised you two didn't drool yourselves to death.
TED
Oh, I thought we just had a nice first date. That's...
LARRY
(voice over)
I knew that they would hit it off.
CAROL
Why? Uh-huh. Yeah. Him.
LARRY
I-I- I knew this.
CAROL
Yeah, uh-huh. What about you? You were gonna jump into her lap. I saw you, Larry!
LARRY
What are you talking about?
CAROL
Huh?
LARRY
I'm, I'm, huh, what's wrong with you? I'm her editor. I'm- I'm like a father figure to her; how...
CAROL
Yeah, the only thing you didn't do is rub your hands together. That was it.
LARRY
You gotta be joking. What... are you telling me that you're jealous of Marcia?
CAROL
I... Well. It's not that I'm jealous.
TED
Kids, kids. People, what are we doing, here?
CAROL
Yeah, look who's talking. My God, I mean, you kept staring into her eyes like she was the Dragon Lady, or something.
LARRY
What's wrong with you? You're jealous because he's interested in her?!
TED
I'm interested in her theory. What... I don't -- What are you...
CAROL
Well, I'd just like to know if you take all your-your authors to lunch at the Café des Artistes--
Marcia walks back to the table.
MARCIA
Okay, I've got it.
She sits down, while Larry half-stands up and then sits back down.
MARCIA
Here's the story. Since he's gotten away with it, all we can do is bluff. As long as we have no body, we have no case.
TED
What... What do you mean? What do we... We pretend that he slipped up and the molten steel didn't do the job? What-What do you mean?
------------------------------------------
{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
-30-
{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
MARCIA
(voice over)
She has a heart attack. She drops dead spontaneously. They had no thought of killing her. Maybe they wished she was dead.
TED
(voice over)
Why?
MARCIA
I don't know. Maybe they stood to gain if she died. They see a golden opportunity.
(In the imagined Flashback, Lillian House, wearing a pink bathrobe, is dressing the dead woman in her own clothes.)
MARCIA
Mrs. House dresses her up in her clothes. She hides.
LARRY
This is my theory. Exactly my theory.
MARCIA
That's right. She checks into a hotel.
INT. Vincent's Restaurant - Night
CAROL
Yeah, well, we got that far, with the exception of the actual spontaneous heart attack.
MARCIA
Okay, you know the husband's planning to go to Paris with this pretty young woman.
TED
Yeah.
LARRY
Yeah.
MARCIA
He's cheating on his wife.
TED
Yeah.
MARCIA
So, instead of finishing the scheme they planned, he double-crosses her and kills her, taking her share of the profits.
TED
Well, you think, you think Helen Moss is in on this, too, huh?
MARCIA
Yeah, a good chance she's aware.
CAROL
Okay, but what about Mrs. Dalton? He claims he took her to the movies.
MARCIA
She's his alibi. She covered for him when he strangled his wife. She said he was at work all day.
LARRY
That's right, because he introduced her as a colleague.
Marcia lights a cigarette.
TED
Wait, why... Why would she...
MARCIA
She's a colleague who maybe loves him.
TED
Oh, wait, wait. He's cheating on her, too.
LARRY
Cheating on two women?
TED
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's perfect. Just -- it all fits.
LARRY
The guy doesn't look the part.
MARCIA
The point is, he's gotten away with the perfect murder. There are no bodies around to prove anything. And all the paperwork is strictly aboveboard. He's home free.
______________________________
-30-
INT. Lipton bedroom - Night
Larry and Carol sitting up in bed, talking.
CAROL
You're nuts.
LARRY
You know, look...
CAROL
Wait, wait, yeah.
LARRY
Let me be logical about this.
CAROL
Okay, she's not a twin. We know she's not a twin.
LARRY
Hey.
CAROL
What are you talking about, Larry?
LARRY
Stay calm. I want to try and puzzle this out.
CAROL
I'm calm, Larry. Okay, but okay, she's a twin, she's not a twin. I mean, now you're saying we are twins? What are you, nuts? Okay, I'm calm. I'm calm, okay.
LARRY
Yeah, I'm going to be logical.
CAROL
All right, all right.
LARRY
The, uhm, the first thing is this.
FLASHBACK SCENE
INT. Landing and hallway - Night
The door of the elevator opens. Inside, Larry and Carol are smiling and talking.
LARRY
(voice over, from The Present)
We came home that night. There had been a heart attack.
Some neighbors are gathered around Paul's apartment door. Larry asks them questions.
LARRY
(voice over)
Uh, what if they induced it? You know, some kind of poison. We never saw the body. You know -- it had to be some other woman. You know, some- some woman who probably had some kind of ballpark resemblance to Mrs. House.
Group of neighbors standing in the hallway.
LARRY
(voice over)
The super says he saw her, but he's -- you know. Mrs. House could have been hiding.
BACK TO THE PRESENT, IN BEDROOM
LARRY
But you-you remember that you heard a noise that night. That had to be Mrs. House leaving to check into the hotel.
CAROL
Yeah. Yeah. Well...
LARRY
I can't sleep. I just, I...
CAROL
No, wait a minute, wait.
LARRY
I'm too, you know... I'm too...
CAROL
But it doesn't make any sense at all, Larry, because suddenly, you know, he murders her. I mean, what's it all about?
LARRY
Let me, let me call Vincent's Restaurant in New Jersey... and why don't we go meet Ted and Marcia and get something to eat, and talk with them.
CAROL
Wait a minute. At one in the morning? What are you talking about? You mean... You wanna --
LARRY
Yeah, so what? So what? It's -- so, you know, Ted-Ted was taking her to a show and to- to dinner... so they'll be there.
CAROL
All the way out to New Jersey...
LARRY
So -- hey kid, this is the apple. This is the town that never sleeps. That's why we don't live in Duluth. That, plus I don't know where Duluth is.
He picks up the phone on his night table.
LARRY
Lucky me.
INT. Vincent's Restaurant - Night
Larry, Carol, Ted, Marcia seated around a table.
TED
Uh, you really saw his face?
CAROL
Yes. Oh, yes, I'm here to tell you...
TED
You saw, you saw what he looked like? No question. You know exactly who it is.
LARRY
Oh, no question about it. It was - It was Mr. House. There was no... Not a, not a question. I mean, you could see him because, uh, you know, there was-there was just no way that you could avoid it. He was right there.
CAMERA, moving around the table, stops on Marcia Fox.
MARCIA
To me, it's obvious.
LARRY
What - How do you see it?
TED
How, obvious? What do you mean?
MARCIA
Obvious he's committed the perfect murder.
LARRY
What do you mean?
TED
What? How? What do you mean?
MARCIA
Okay, look. You have to start off with another woman who bears some ballpark resemblance to Mrs. House.
TED
Yeah.
LARRY
That's what I said! That's exactly -- I used the term "ballpark resemblance" myself.
CAROL
I know. You used the term, right.
LARRY
It was my idea. I said what she said.
MARCIA
They're with this woman.
TED
Yeah.
FLASH BACK SCENE
INT. Paul's apartment - Night
Paul and another woman, that looks like Mrs. House, are seated around a table, having dinner. Lillian House gives a glass of wine to the woman, then one to Paul, and kisses him on the forehead, as she walks past him to the kitchen.
MARCIA
(voice over, from the Present)
Maybe having dinner. They don't induce a heart attack, because that's fiction bullshit.
MED. SHOT: The woman having a heart attack. Paul, helping her to walk to the sofa to lie down.
MARCIA
(voice over)
She has a heart attack. She drops dead spontaneously. They had no thought of killing her. Maybe they wished she was dead. ...
________________________________________
{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
-30-
Last Friday, Alec Baldwin satirized President Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live.
In 1967, the Smothers Brothers satirized President Lyndon Johnson on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour.
_____________________________
_______________________________
// contemplating the meanings of words //
Dictionary.com
funny
providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical
retribution
requital according to merits or deserts, especially for evil
requital
the act of requiting [ ? ? ! ]
a retaliation for a wrong, injury, etc.
collusion
a secret agreement, especially for fraudulent or treacherous purposes; conspiracy
a secret understanding between two or more persons to gain something illegally, to defraud another of his or her rights, or to appear as adversaries though in agreement.
--------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
^^ Last Friday, Alec Baldwin satirized President Trump on Saturday Night Live. President Trump responded thusly:
"Nothing funny about tired Saturday Night Live on Fake News NBC! Question is, how do the Networks get away with these total Republican hit jobs without retribution? Likewise for many other shows? Very unfair and should be looked into. This is the real Collusion!"
^^ In 1967, the Smothers Brothers satirized President Johnson on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. President Johnson's response:
"It is part of the price of leadership of this great and free nation to be the target of clever satirists. You have given the gift of laughter to our people. May we never grow so somber or self-important that we fail to appreciate the humor in our lives."
_________________________________
_____________________________
{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
In darkness, in a scrap-yard, Larry and Carol Lipton run toward the place where they saw the dead body lifted up.
There is a gigantic cauldron with hot melted metal inside. A huge pair of metal jaws is dropping metal scraps into the cauldron. Among the metal scraps, we see the body.
CAROL
Oh, my God.
The CAMERA ZOOMS to a close shot on the cauldron.
LARRY
(voice over, in wistful awe, and horror)
Good-bye, Mrs. House.
REVERSE ANGLE LONG SHOT: the cauldron. Sparks fly upward.
Larry and Carol see, in the flashingly lit darkness, Mr. House getting into his car and driving away.
LARRY
That was Mr. House! That was definitely Mr. House.
CAROL
What are we gonna do?
EXT. Liptons' residence street - Night
Larry has just parked on the street, and he and Carol are getting out of the car.
LARRY
I'm gonna call the police, now.
CAROL
Oh, Larry, and tell them what?
LARRY
And get them...
CAROL
I mean, this guy...
LARRY
What are we --
They're walking together, toward their apartment building.
CAROL
You know, he's got proof his wife died of a heart attack two weeks ago. We've got no body. We've got nothing, Larry.
Larry looks past her, suddenly, and puts his hand over his mouth, startled. He gasps.
CAROL
What? What? What's wrong? What? Oh!
FULL SHOT: entrance to the building.
CAROL
Oh, oh. Oh my God.
Paul House and Gladys Dalton, his assistant from the movie house, are coming out of the building. Paul turns his head and looks, sees Carol and Larry.
PAUL
Hello, there.
CAROL
Hey.
PAUL
How are you?
CAROL
H- how are you?
PAUL
May I introduce Gladys Dalton, my gal Friday?
CAROL
Mrs. Dal- How are you, nice to see you.
Carol and Larry shake hands with Gladys.
PAUL
This is Larry and Carol, my neighbors.
CAROL
Yes.
GLADYS
Nice to see you.
PAUL
We were just watching Madame Bovary. Wonderful.
GLADYS
Such a sad story.
CAROL
Yeah, it is. We, you know...
LARRY
She-She-She gets cremated. She gets killed at the end.
CAROL
Yeah.
PAUL
Yeah. Listen, you gotta stop over for a drink before I go on my trip.
CAROL
Love to.
PAUL
See you later.
CAROL
See you later.
PAUL
Oh, incidentally, if you hear of anybody who needs an apartment, I think I may be moving.
CAROL
Oh, well, it...
PAUL
See you later. Come on, Gladys.
He puts his hand on her shoulder and starts walking away with her.
PAUL
Good night.
CAROL
Good night.
CAMERA watches the departing couple; Gladys walks with the help of a cane.
INT. Liptons' bedroom - Night
MEDIUM SHOT: Larry and Carol, wearing pajamas, sitting up in bed.
LARRY
What a day, huh? I can't figure it out. It's got to be that either he's a...
CAROL
What?
LARRY
Either she's a twin, or he's a twin.
CAROL
He... He's --
LARRY
Or they're multiple personalities, or you're a twin or I'm a twin.
Carol bursts out laughing.
LARRY
Because I don't know what's going on.
__________________________
-30-
