We need the eggs

Woody Allen, at the end of the movie Annie Hall,
talks about his former girlfriend and what a pleasure it was, "just knowing her" and the last words at the end of the film are --

----------------------
~~~And...I thought of that old joke -- This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"

And the guy says, "I would -- but I need the eggs."

Well I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships -- They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd.

But I guess we keep goin' through it because most of us --
need the eggs.
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I was very disappointed and bummed out
for a long time
because of a relationship.

It ground to a halt, and I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't get over it.
I was shellshocked.

And I thought of this today while driving.

When the man got a dog -- I thought, Great, he will learn the pleasures of having a pet -- he had not done that. ("Animals belong outside.")

I was 90% happy that he had got a dog,
and 10% (I can admit now) concerned that the dog might not be happy.

Not that the man would be mean to it, but
I thought
he might
be cold / rude
to the dog.

And of course what I couldn't face then
and I understand now without crying
is --
I was worried he would be that way to the dog
because
he was being that way to me.

But only part of the time.

So then you get into the tenuous and stressful mind-set
and heart-set

of waiting around waiting for the Situation to go back to being the
way it was when you were happy with it / him.

Being extra nice and loving to him, to make up for the deficit of anything coming back.
Reminding yourself, "Nothing's perfect -- you have to work at it!"
Trying to make things good again.



That shit'll wear you out, I can tell ya.

I was crushed.
And it would have been worse, if he had married me.

*************************************************
Scene: In his office, him in the chair, dog on mat next to the chair.
I came in -- the dog lifted his head and thumped his tail on the floor enthusiastically.
Me: "He likes me!"
Him: "He just wants attention."
in a cool, dismissive tone

*******************************
He's "king of the hill."
(I think we women are attracted to men who are "king of the hill" naturally -- it's in our DNA or something.)

But (I see now) in a personal relationship, some of those king-of-the-hill dudes can be a poor bargain.

an example: There was a governor
of a state
whose wife wouldn't live with him. He went to the capital alone and she stayed in the state's largest town, working (I heard) in a department store.

Give me that choice: doing First Lady things, or live apart from my husband and work in a department store, at first glance, I know damn well what MY choice would be and it wouldn't be the department store!

However, I didn't have to live with that husband.

I am no longer a fan of the man I used to be with.

I am a fan of the kind of man who makes things
better, not worse.

And -- I think I might be done with that "crushed" thing.

When I get home today I'm going to put on "Time Out Of Mind" (Bob Dylan album).

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