{Manhattan Murder Mystery}
LARRY
Really?
MARILYN
You should.
CAROL
No. Well, I don't know. I mean, you... Are you serious?
TED
Yeah, Oh, oh, God, it'd be wonderful.
LARRY
What are you encouraging her for? It's so...
TED
She's great. She's a great cook.
LARRY
I know, but...
CAROL
Well, it's thanks to you, actually. I mean, it was his idea. The cooking lessons, so I mean...
TED
Yes, I had...
SY
Yes, but a restaurant is a serious business. I mean you just can't take that lightly. You can't be cavalier about a restaurant.
CAROL
I'm not being cavalier about it.
LARRY
Do you know how time-consuming it is? Yeah. You have to be there every night.
SY
Absolutely.
LARRY
You'd be stuck there, you know.
TED
Wait. Look, look.
LARRY
They steal from, if you're not... You gotta be --
CAROL
But it's -- it's what I do. It's -- it's what I do, Larry.
TED
She'll cook... She's great. She's -- she's a pro. She's a pro. She'll be cooking... She'll be cooking in the kitchen. I'll be at the front, running the joint like Rick, you know, in "Casablanca."
SY
It's not that easy.
MARILYN
You do it anyway. Might as well get paid for it.
LARRY
Right. Directs...
TED
I'm set, I'm serious about it. I don't... I mean, it's not like a hobby. I mean, it's gotta be a serious thing.
SY
I'll be the first customer.
CUT TO:
INT. Liptons' bedroom - Night
Larry is in bed with a book. Carol is walking around the room in her nightgown, getting ready for bed -- brushing her hair, etc.
LARRY
You know, I was thinking of fixing Ted up with Helen Dubin. But you know, I figured they would just, you know, get into an argument over penis envy, or something....
Carol laughs.
LARRY
The poor guy suffers from it, so...
CAROL
Did he seem a little too cheerful?
LARRY
No, he seemed like his regular self to me, but -- but, uh, when you brought up the notion of the restaurant... the guy lit up like Mr. Glow-worm.
CAROL
The restaurant?
LARRY
Yeah. He sees himself as, you know -- as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. I see him more as Peter Lorre, wringing his hands.
CAROL
No, no no. No, no, no -- I mean, Mr. House, Mr. House. Didn't he seem a little too cheerful to you?
LARRY
Mr. House, our next-door widower?
CAROL
Yes. Yes. I mean, there's... Well, you know. I mean, didn't he seem too composed, for a man whose wife just died. Don't you think?
LARRY
Well -- what do you want the guy to do, walk down the street sobbing hysterically?
CAROL
Well, I don't know. All I know is, they were supposedly looking forward to their, you know... anniversary, and, and -- you know, uhm -- if -- if I suddenly dropped dead, wouldn't you sob for months, or years -- if I... you know.
LARRY
Hey, don't make those kind of jokes, okay? I don't like those -- remarks. And meanwhile, I'm the guy who needs a physical check-up.
CAROL
Oh, I don't know.
LARRY
Uh-huh...
CAROL
I mean, to me he just seemed a little too perky. You know? Now, suddenly he wants his French desserts, and, "have a nice time, you know, at the opera." And my gosh, "you're certainly dressed up." I mean, you know. This guy should be a wreck.
LARRY
Right. Meanwhile, I can't get the -- the Flying Dutchman theme out of my mind, you know? Remind me tomorrow to buy up all the Wagner records in town and rent a chainsaw.
He switches the lights off on his bedside table. The room is completely dark, and we hear the next sentences with the screen black.
CAROL
Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted.
LARRY
Yeah?
CAROL
She's too mousey.
LARRY
Well, he's a little mousey, too. They could have their little rodent time. They can eat cheese together.
Carol bursts out laughing. The phone starts ringing.
LARRY
Oh, Christ.
He switches the light back on, puts his glasses on his nose, and picks up the phone.
LARRY
Hello? Yes. Yes, of ... Yes, of course you woke us. You know, not everybody's up at one o'clock in the morning watching the porn channel. I'll put her on.
He gives the receiver to Carol.
CAROL
Who is it?
LARRY
Ted. For you.
CAROL
Ted, hi.
-30-
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