the book -- The Gift Of Thanks: The Roots and Rituals of Gratitude, by Margaret Visser
the title of the review: "Gratitude's Grace Can Be Itself a Gift," by Dwight Garner (NY Times book critic)
This thoughtful and entertaining piece made me think some thoughts.
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(the first paragraph):
> > > > "It is a fact of life that people give dinner parties, and when they invite you, you have to turn around and invite them back," Laurie Colwin wrote in her bite-size masterpiece, "Home Cooking," published in 1988. "Often they retaliate by inviting you again, and you must then extend another invitation. Back and forth you go, like Ping-Pong balls, and what you end up with is called social life." < < < <
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@@@ They "retaliate" by inviting you -- that's funny!
@@@ I remember when I was in 4th grade, I talked my parents (who rarely entertained) into inviting my teacher, Miss Marek, and her fiance to dinner at our house at the end of the school year. It seems funny, now. It was a miscellaneous impulse. It was nice of my mother to do it.
@@@ Someone told me year ago that a family in the little farming community where I spent my high school years had an Open House when they finished building their new house. The whole town was invited and no one came. (!) Good grief.
@@@ Recently I was in a conversation with someone about the business enterprises people get into where they can sell to their friends -- Mary Kay, Tupperware, etc. etc. -- I said, back in the 60s when "housewives" wanted reasons to "get out of the house" those businesses enjoyed a certain popularity -- a [pick-the-brand] party was a treat, an opportunity to socialize. Now that everyone works outside the home, most women are not looking for reasons to "get out of the house." People don't have time.
The woman I was talking with said, "Yes, now no one wants to go anywhere, and they don't want anyone to come over."
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[from Garner's NYTimes review]
> > > > Colwin wasn't complaining, exactly. She liked dinner parties. But she would also have liked Margaret Visser's observation, in her new book, "The Gift of Thanks," that the word "host" is related through Indo-European roots to the words "hostile" and "hostage." Dinner parties are complicated things, where obligation and gratitude collide and overlap -- and sometimes crash and burn. < < < <
----------------------------------- A friend of mine, Sarah, began the practice of writing and mailing a Thank-You note to each person who gave her a gift, at birthdays and Christmas. I copied her -- I liked that tradition! I mailed Thank-You notes for each "gift-y" occasion, and I felt like Princess Diana because I read that she was a great Thank-You note writer, also.
My friend Sarah thanked me once, for the nice Thank-You note I had written to her; and I said Thank you, and then we laughed, realizing this could go on and on and on if we started thanking each other for each kind thank-you note.
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[Garner's review] > > > > ..."The Gift of Thanks" is a scholarly, many-angled examination of what gratitude is and how it functions in our lives.
Gratitude is a moral emotion of sorts, Ms. Visser writes, one that is more complicated and more vital than we think.
English speakers are obsessed with the terms "thanks" or "thank you." We often say these words more than 100 times a day, she writes, in a flurry that many other cultures find baffling. < < < <
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"Thanks fah-yuh help."
I will never forget Mary McDonough. She was my boss at one of my first jobs after college -- First National Bank of Boston. When Mary asked me to do something, she would say when, and (if necessary) how, to do it, & take questions if I had them, and then she would finish our interaction with the phrase "Thanks for your help" only with her Boston accent it came out, "Thanks fah-yuh help."
I used to think, "I'm not technically helping her -- I'm doing my job in the form of following her directions." But I'll tell ya, "Thanks fah-yuh help" made every day smooth, pleasant, and productive.
Think Mary was genius.
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[Garner review] > > > > Ms. Visser acknowledges that simple politeness is the grease that keeps society running and, conversely, how much hostility can build up among people when words like "thanks" are not spoken. < < < <
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During the years when I worked as a lobbyist I always noticed (and enjoyed) how, during floor debate, senators and representatives would refer to each other as "my good friend." Larry Gabriel would get up to oppose a bill that had been introduced by Ed Olson and begin by saying, "I know my good friend Ed Olson has done a lot of research on this subject, and..."
It was, not always but often, "my friend so-and-so" or "my good friend so-and-so" as you laid the groundwork for opposing or even killing the other guy's bill.
Decorum.
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And now it's like, I'm onto the subject of Good Manners more than Gratitude.
But they go together.
Or, one leads to the other.
Vast subject.
More thoughts / observations another day.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Thank you, too!
OK that's it.
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