Sometimes I think that I need to have a panel of about 10 psychologists and psychiatrists whom I could call on whenever I want an opinion on why sometimes some people do and / or say things that I can't figure out.
(Used to know somebody who always had an answer for everything: "He's just trying to..." "She just wants people to think..." And that person didn't have a psychology degree, or a degree in anything except being Controlling and Crazy (that's your B.I. -- Bachelor of Insanity) so what was I listening to them for?)
But really, would like to have my own panel of experts -- like FDR's "kitchen cabinet," if you will.
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The two items I recalled:
1. Nearly twenty years ago -- early nineties -- a man I had known since we were both kids said something to me about his cousin which I didn't forget. The man's cousin and her brother and mom had moved back to home community after mom's divorce -- violent marriage, etc. etc.
The cousin -- Girl C -- was in high school. My long-time acquaintance / friend, Man M, was in his early twenties, starting out in his dad's successful business.
I was outgoing and friendly toward Girl C and her mom, etc., because they were relatives of My Friends. Period. That was my only reason.
When I was getting ready to leave every week, M-F, for our state's legislative session, I got an opportunity to create a little "synergy," I felt, by offering Girl C two jobs -- she could get paid by the association I worked for to send out my weekly newsletters during the legislature, and she could get a check from me, personally, for feeding my two cats, in my absence during the week.
I felt like there was all kinds of synergy working out there - ! I was psyched. Girl C loved animals -- she trained horses and dogs, etc. And she wanted to work, work, work, and make money. And I liked her, and it seemed like it would be good for her to have some personal attention and opportunity in an area she already loved -- the animals, and an area it wouldn't hurt to learn about -- state politics.
So I told Man M, in a happy, brain-storm mode, that I was doing this for Girl C, and how sure I was that she would be good at it, and he said --
"How much you paying her for that?"
I answered him -- I don't remember what it was -- a flat fee from me, for the Cats, and an hourly amount -- 5 or 6 or so dollars per hour -- from the School Association.
And -- I don't remember what he exactly said, but I remember the taken-aback feeling I had -- I still have -- when he -- sort of --
scoffed, in resentment, and said something along the lines of -- she didn't need to make that much.
It seemed weird to me.
And I couldn't come up with a good reason -- or any kind of reason -- for the attitude. (He certainly did not share my enthusiasm, as I had anticipated!)
I felt a little like I had "stepped in it."
And didn't know why. Still don't.
The kitty-care and newsletter-sending-out was not work which Man M would have coveted for himself. He had a more-than-full-time, high-paying, investment-powered, management-demanding career / position in his dad's business, and interests of his own besides.
He didn't have any children who were old enough to want to work for me. (Think he may have had one baby at the time, or one baby & a toddler.) So it wasn't a case of his thinking someone closer to him should've had the jobs.
Why would he begrudge his cousin, particularly when she came from a family situation far more replete with difficulties and less protected with wealth than his own. She needed that work; he should have been happy for her.
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Girl C -- fed the cats, mailed out the newsletters, picked up the copies at the copy place, stamping, mailing everything -- it was a lot of responsibility, and she did an excellent job. For the next 6-8 years, cannot remember which.
Once during that time, when she was keeping some dogs at her place, I said in the presence of Man M that Girl C was very good with animals. And he immediately replied that she "has the dogs but doesn't take care of them."
I asked for details on how and in what way she did not take care of her dogs -- no details were forthcoming. I never heard that complaint from any other person, and I knew that in that same time-space the Humane Society from our town reported some people in the next town west of there and a whole force went in and transported out some dogs and cats to move them on to a better life.
Since the Humane Society was "on" that case, I figured if there were any problems with my friend Girl C's operation, it would have come to light. My experience was always that she did a fine job with any animal projects she took on, including caring for my own pets.
Why do some people say these negative things, so obviously unsubstantiated? And putting down their own relatives, who are less fortunate than themselves and need to be either -- a) encouraged, or b) left alone. I felt strongly than Man M should not have been feeding this gratuitous, baseless criticism into the mix. It was disappointing.
I still considered him my friend because I'd known him forever and because -- well -- I don't know -- maybe because I was doing most of the talking. (I've realized that sometimes if you have an outgoing personality and an instinct to be diplomatic and entertaining, you create pleasant situations short-term, but you don't always understand what type of person you're dealing with. You're too busy orchestrating the "cocktail party"...!)
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Years later when Girl C had moved away and I didn't work with legislature anymore, I had my car parked at Man M's house. His two youngest children, who exhibit obnoxious behavior a large percentage of the time, were whining, nagging, complaining, crying, misbehaving, pestering each other, and generally making their mother's afternoon miserable while she tried to do some yard work, with my help.
The oldest little kid somehow got up into a large vehicle -- a piece of equipment for yard work, or farm work, not sure what it was -- and he drove it smack into the passenger-side door of my car, making a big dent and ripping off the mirror.
It was at a moment of my life when I was looking for full-time work, finding nothing, and could barely afford to put gas in the car, let alone fix it. I was so upset, and stressed out, and felt like I couldn't say anything because they were my friends.
The wife called me the next day and said that Man M said I should have it fixed at their body shop and they would take care of it.
I got it fixed, as directed.
And the next time I saw Man M at his place of business he kind of indirectly "bitched" at me. I couldn't believe it. Sort of "said" -- but not really -- sort of Hinted / said, sort of, that I had had the car fixed the more expensive way instead of the cheapest way as he would have preferred. He said. Then. When the car had already been fixed. At his direction.
It was a weird, passive-aggressive power play. And it worked. Because I felt intimidated. And even more low and stressed-out than I had been feeling already, which is saying a lot because I was down to the bottom already anyway, and fighting against that. (Why was I thinking of these people as my friends?? I'm actually not sure why.
And ironically, I remember now him saying, "Girl C has those dogs but she doesn't take care of them." And I remember how there was no evidence to support his words. And then all those years later, the same could be said of him, if one wished to criticize: he has those kids but he doesn't teach them any better than to drive when they're in the first grade (hello?!) and smash up people's cars and Never. Even. Apologize.
He's the one who doesn't take care of things properly, not his cousin. What he said about her turned out to be more true of him.
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